Dancing in Bali

In Bali is this danceform,performed by the ocean’s shore. Scores of enchantresses and surreal men dance around in perfect harmony to the tune of the waves wading into the island, their vibrant costumes fluttering in the wind.

They enact the ancient hindu epic of Ramayana, which tells the story of how a beautiful young princess gets married to a prince who is the the epitome of virtue and why both of them in the end commit suicide. The dance revolves around the part of the story where princess Sita is abducted by the demon-king Ravana and Rama the prince , leads an army of monkey-faced titans to defeat the demons and rescue Sita.

Hundreds of people put on the costumes of the demons and the titans dancing the war to its rhythmic conclusion of death . They are the decimated, slaughtered demons one day :another day they are the victorious titans. They trip around happily to the mystic, calm music of the slow dance without a care about the certain death or triumph awaiting them.

One might be the virtuous Rama a given day : another day he wears the costumes of Ravana. They dance as if the chosen roles of virtue and sin does not matter, as if the point is to dance and dance is the only thing that will go on. The ocean serves as a perfect backdrop, every drop dancing as if the ocean.

Your holiness…Pope..

what have you done ?

No it doesnt matter that Vatican apologized and then your holy self said ‘sorry’ – what is needed is a complete apology by the Byzantine king and if possible by Constantine himself .

They are dead by now ? ok, then can we have miracles….see , Paleologus will have to come in person and apologize for what he said in 1391….arrange for a miracle or two

And…make it fast…we’ll check with the mullahs if that will do…..

How could you ever quote or even think that mullahs have a culture of violence….thats pig shit…which is blasphemy….and its completely outrageous….they dont have a culture of violence and thats it !!

And until you and Paleologus withdraw the culture of violence statement – they’ll burn those churches in Palestine , shoot Nuns in Mogadishu, fire AK-47s into air all across the Arab world, detonate a few suicide bombs in Tel Aviv, burn effigies in Karachi and Rawalpindi , kill a few serbs in Kosovo, loot a few shops in Yemen, down a few planes and bomb a few trains in Europe, have a few rallies in Washington, stone a few shops in Hyderabad , rape a few girls in Darfur , plant a few gas bombs in Chechnya and come friday will burn the streets from Cairo to Tehran to Dhaka to Jakarta.

You must be out of your mind to talk about a culture of violence, there isn’t one your holiness.

Oh c’mon you must be kidding – there isnt a thing called free speech – I’ll give you one Danish cartoonist’s number – whole of Europe is local call rite ,neways check with him.

Culture of forgiveness…nah nah…they never say sorry for anything they do and your sorry doesnt mean anything to them – the only time they feel sorry is when a cluster bomb bursts right up in their ass.

Now now…lets not waste time sir…lets get to work on that miracle !!

We will enter the Splendid cities

Before I begin this poem,
You want a moment of silence
You mourn now as if the world will never be the same
And the rest of us hope to hell it won’t be.
Not like it always has been.

T’was another beautiful tuesday evening when the comrades would meet with the principal to fight with her on all things she was ready to fight about. We waved to the college buses as they took off from in front of the canteen, and then went down the road to ‘Sallap‘ for our evening dose of samosas ,tea and smoke. Principal madam was at her sarcastic best and the comrades were as always better than her in that. Outcome of the meeting was, i dont remember why – we all decided to screw the canteen guy and one bus conductor – it was surprisingly a consensus.

In another hour the comrades met in the ‘Unit Committee’ room and came to the conclusion that we could draw parallels to the impending strike in college with the Indonesian students uprising and the democratic aspirations after the royal massacre in Nepal. The Free-software geek had suggested that we ‘draw another parallel’ with a new internet software or web or something called wickipedia on the right to information. That idea was emphatically defeated as internet was still another crony-capitalist tool of exploitation. The two mufti policemen *plain clothesmen* from intelligence were there outside the college to check on us and they took our secretary to gather ‘secret’ inputs – the funniest thingy about plainclothesmen in Kerala is that they wear plain clothes along with ‘those polished brown shoes’. We all felt important and good after these meetings – you know that feeling of changing the world ; so there was another round of snacks in ‘Sallap’ and I set out for home.

My ‘honda’ ran out of gas at MarIvanios steps and I didnt have a single Re. left in the purse – chronicles of a third year yenjinearing under-graduate. The writing on the wall was clear – PUSH. I gasped my last breath home after two miles of hills and valleys – our goddamn city is on some seven sadistic hills – and everytime I pushed the scooter up a hill it morphed into a Royal enfield adding to my pains.

‘aaah ethiyo ponnu mon’ , mom said *get the hell upstairs – take bath or something*
‘you need to increase my allowance – I feel so poor’ I mumbled

Asianet news was on TV and I saw images of smoke coming out of that very familiar building. Few floors of WTC was on fire,some plane crash had happened -thats what Asianet said, and my brother was gaping at the newsreader chick with evil intentions completely unaware of the geo-political earthquake.

‘DAA, NDTV idu’ , I told my brother.

He fumbled with the remote – deliberately slowing down at the WWE channel and sadly arrived at NDTV. I got hold of the remote and kept switching between NDTV and CNN. The plane was a passenger aircraft and some casualities were expected.

‘mattavamaru thanne ?’, *Is it THEM?* – I ignored my hindu chauvunist cousin’s angry statement.

Within minutes Sky news feed came on NDTV and ‘oh my god,oh my god’ shouts filled the CNN newsroom – a second plane had crashed into the South tower. It was clear – it was THEM . But who ?

Confused comrades came on phone . Moosa said a plane had crashed into pentagon – after a few minutes it came on TV – now I knew who did it, it was Moosa. Fat-man said it was the Japanese Aum Shrinkyo taking revenge for Nagasaki. I was plain excited, a bit sad after watching guys jump out of the building, arguably fuddled but pretty sure that after the two towers collapsed – our world would be different atleast for another decade – not a big deal from a two fifty thousand years perspective of a humanist but a big deal for a guy who would be in the job market in less than an year.

The scale of it, the horror, the symbolism,the history made by the lucky and inflicted on the unlucky – the sheer genius of it – pure, crystalline evil . They say every American remembers what they were doing when John Kennedy was assasinated , every Indian of our generation will probably remember what they were doing when Rajiv Gandhi was killed – I believe everyone in the planet will remember what they were doing when terror came home to lower Manhattan.

This is a poem for every date that falls to the ground in ashes .
This is a poem for the 110 stories that were never told .
The 110 stories that history chose not to write in textbooks .
The 110 stories that CNN, BBC, The New York Times, and Newsweek ignored
This is a poem for interrupting this program.

Because this is not a 9/11 poem.
This is a 9/10 poem,
It is a 9/9 poem,
A 9/8 poem,
A 9/7 poem

A Moment of silence – A poem (Read) \ (Listen -mp3)

We boarded the subway from JFK after an excruciating eight hours in the airport – thats another post . It was the summer of ’05 – happy and me . Forty five minutes later we came out of the underground platform of 34th street Penn station into the living daylights of Newyork city. They say if US of A is the Big Apple, Newyork is the Big Nipple – and thats true. The first few minutes in that part of Newyork was spend in silence – we were gaping at the mega-city around us like two people put there by chance – with no clue where Paul Barber was 🙂

Swept off our feet by the city’s grandeur – Manhattan is about sky scrapers, about human endeavour – when you step out into that megaplex of bricks and mortar , when you realize that man created these wonders brick by brick,floor by floor : the sweat, blood, tears, sleepless nights, caffeine and cigarettes that went into each of these magnificant buildings : Manhattan is the climax of the human opera, our splendid city and a tribute to the best within us.

Howard Roark would draw magnificant structures with straight lines drawn right into the sky with no compromises . Everytime I saw the structure of WTC, I’ve felt the same – pure, Euclidean – there is no history like Victorian or Mughal or Renaissance, no religion like domes or crosses , no themes that jutt out of the architecture – just a building and thats it. Anyone who would destroy one of the best things the human being had ever created in the name of some God was playing on the other team – he is a traitor – and he never understood the hardship of Creation.

After few days in Newyork,it strikes you. The twin towers stood like two big brothers of the entire Manhattan skyline, it would never be the same . As a visitor you feel the loss , the Newyorker goes through it everyday,every single day. Maybe they’ll overcome the loss, maybe we’ll all overcome hate and in the dawn, armed with a burning patience – we will enter the splendid cities.

the day after the festival

Ulsavapittennu *the day after the festival * used to be a very sorry day for us kids back then – when we had festivals . The day after Onam ,for our kids gang back in the heart of the capital city was not the day after Thiruonam, but the day after the city’s onam celebrations ended with the procession. Onam celebrations in our sleepy city are world class , with how-much-ever world i’ve seen ; and as a kid it was kinda being in some wonderland.

The entire road from Raj Bhavan upto the Assembly Building would be closed to traffic by six in the evening . All those Victorian buildings would be illuminated and you have a two mile strech all for yourselves – everything in the world that costs less than ten Re. will be available on the road .

Nowhere in the world could a keralite see Yesudas singing at Chandrashekaran Nair, Kochin Kalabhavan and Jayaram performing at Public works , Shobana dancing at Nishagandhi , the entire Kalamandalam galaxy at Kanakunnu palace, Muthukad trying to make the Art Gallery disappear ,KPAC performing at Tagore Theatre,Charlie Chaplin film festival in Kalabhavan and Usha Uthup performing at Poojapura grounds *and at the fag end of her show,Mohanlal getting on to the stage and dancing with her – the ground is by his home * – all this in one night , in a three mile stretch : imagine.

Personally , what I liked the most was the carnival setting with Merry Columbus,Torra Torra and the one and only Giant wheel – the highest in the world. Ok fine..you looked up Wicki…but it was very close,you could see the entire city skyline from top of it . Then came the elephants, amazing big ones, upcoming terrors, smug faced palm leaf eaters – one passion that still clings on . And I shouldnt miss this one – Nishagandhi – the most romantic place in the whole of Museum junction ;the late night movies – last one I watched was ‘Satya’ – in that gigantic open air theater is one experience you shouldn’t miss in the capital .If you dont like the movie,just recline on the grass -you have a starry spring time night above .

And then the day after the festival. We used to hang around the palace in the early morning – first it was those ‘cycle tours’ and later jogging around the museum circle . All around was the smell of elephants from the previous days , all the illumination coming down , tamil workers dismantling the Giant wheel ,the local clubs clearing the athapoo stalls, the tall stage at Nishagandhi lying all deserted and the pervading feel of the vacation ending. We knew it was all just glitter,but how we wished it stayed a little more.

Yet another Onam passed without me actually knowing it and hence thankfully there is no Ulsavapittennu hangover. We guys hanged out at some far-away godforsaken beach with white sand. On the way back I got my first SMS saying they’ve dismantled the giant wheel. Oh well fine,then you guys enjoy – I texted back . I’ve kept away from the low key malayali samajam events out here, not that I have anything against them and I do respect the work they are doing but I’m from the capital city and our Onam is not defined in the wickipedia.

I loved you….

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain…
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness – though in vain –
So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,
I pray God grant another love you so.

Suggested read :
Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin

Suggested rythm:
Johnny Cash ” You Are The Nearest Thing To Heaven,Yes You Are “

Aye maalik tere bande hum

Note : Hi folks if you are here for the lyrics of the song Aye maalik tere bande hum which most of you are, please find the lyrics here . sorry about the misleading title, this will be addressed in future posts – then google search should aslo evolve right.

thanks,

bvn , Oct 15 ’06

****************************************************

According to Wickipedia, there are three places in space and time that you need avoid at any cost : Vietnam in 1965 ,Pakistan in 2015 and Florida in 2005 . Now that I had avoided Vietnam by birth and there is another nine years to go before India nukes Karachi ,I look back at the biggest miscalculation I made – being in Florida in 2005. But yours truly didnt have much of a choice there,you know – I was just an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill .

Hurricanes as such are pretty cute,they look like fluffy rabits or Pomeranian pups – assumption here is that you are looking from the International space station’s small window . On the ground, its feels like your box has just disconnected from the top of the ‘Giant Wheel’ – that cool air blowing fast and your view changing every split second – webster calls it ‘Horror’

Exactly an year before this day,the first major storm hit us,it was a Category one hurricane named after a bombshell – Katrina . It was so funny that I made my first home video that day,stuff flew around,trees fell but all in all it was fun with office closed for two days .Oh yeah,power went out for an hour – c’mon you kiddin me,you know where I come from ?
Katrina came from the Atlantic brushed past us into the Mexican Gulf ,became a category five hurricane and went on to kill 1800 people in New Orleans. It became the costliest natural disaster in the history of the United States . The last time someone killed these many people here, my Hero blew up two countries , this time he actually planned to invade the Atlantic Ocean but was later pacified.

Then came the day of reckoning ,the day when Wilma came. October 24th,2005. Events of the day.

1 AM : Office shut down,shops closed,miami bracing for the Category two hurricane from the Mexican Gulf , we fully drunk at mallu ring leader Raka’s place , weather channel is on , nobodys watching ,someone is singing hume tumse pyar kitna,nobodys listening.

2 AM : Somebody is still singing something. 2 AM advisory comes on TV,Wilma has gained strength and now is a Category three hurricane ,predicts landfall in another four hours , we are right there at the center of the projected path.

someone : Do we need to evacuate ?
me : Do we have more chicken ?
Raka : I’m putting some more…wait no 🙂

someone : Do we need to evacuate ?
Raka : shuttup damu !! this is all media hype
me : last time katrina came nothing happened no

someone : But Wilma is cat 3 man
Raka : Wilma avantammede…. (Wilma is his mother’s…)
and Raka went on to say some nasty things about some Vimala. I was about to ask him who that was – but chicken came.

me : Hai chicken..umma…but Raka…you used a term for all this…what was that..
Raka : MEDIA HYPE
me : love that term,appreciate it !

8 AM : Wakes up . the first pangs of the storm are arriving,I can see uprooted trees along the avenue road. Shoots some video from the balcony,cant really hold the balance as the storm is pretty strong .

8.30 AM : made coffee. Inside the house its safe but power just went off . Call from offshore.

offshore : so hows the storm
me : MEDIA HYPE
offshore : so you are safe
me : MEDIA HYPE
offshore : so hows the storm now
me : MEDIA HYPE….but its a bit strong now…talk later

9 AM: I went back to sleep cracking jokes to myself about media,medium,medicine and all those words starting with ‘medi’ and suddenly there was some exploding noise in the other bedroom and pahadi came shouting into my room in some strange dialect. Later I realized it was fast-hindi. The whole glass window had crashed into the room with glass all over the floor.

9.30 AM : The sound outside was unbearable .It was like four turbo-jet engines switched on at the same instance. (i dont know how that one sounds – but you can just imagine for now). Everything in the bedroom was moving around ( watched Poltergeist ?) and outside every single tree had fallen down . Across the lake,the park looked like erstwhile Nagasaki . We tried shutting the bedroom door,but it got bend into a concave shape with the wind sucking it through the broken window.

10 AM : The balcony window crashed completely with glass all across the living room.Stuff started moving around there too .We could feel the storm now ,it roars – literally . TV and its attachments stood a very bad chance of flying out,so we moved it to the safe second bedroom.

10.30 AM : It was calm outside and fully silent.The eye of the storm was passing us – with the deadly second stage remaining. Builder made plans for his funeral and kk as usual had bread with butter-milk,I took some photos and had a muffin.

11 AM : All hell broke loose. Tree branches were flying oustide along with roof tiles .Somebody later said that cows,alligators,bill-boards and eighteen wheeler trucks were also flying around. I didnt see this and so i dont believe the bill-board part. The last window in the second bedroom crashed a few inches from me and we were in the open now . Within a few minutes a part of the roof collapsed inside the house – my roomie was playing antakshari alone(sitting) there till a few minutes back. Just miss.

11:30 AM : Roof was trying to fly off and roomies were now singing the same song again and again.

“aye maalik tere bande hum ayese ho humaare karam
nekee par chale, aaur badee se tale, taankee hasate huye nikale dam”

I was hearing this song for the first time. One neat song it is.

12:30 PM : There was no house – atleast the way we knew it .It was shaking a little bit,we had to do something before it fell in the lake – oh shoot – there was no house .We decided to use the last weapon . The dare-devil run was the fastest I ever made.Things were flying around and we had to jump over some fallen trees and we didnt have a clue around which place was safe.

12:45 PM : At Raka’s place .Excitement continues outside.

2 PM : Its over. Wilma was the most intense hurricane in recorded history.

Everyone : *disturbing emotions*
Raka : Vimala…avade…

Builder : what do we have here
Visionary : Big apple,Black label,Arun bhayya’s Chivas….aur beer bhi hai
Everyone : *happy*

Builder : par TV nahi hena
Everyone : *happy and sad*

Raka : I have something else – (one bundle of playboy magazines come out)
Everyone : *happily everafter*

Funda : eighty or eighteen – one chilled beer and something naked 🙂

Ernesto, the first hurricane of the 2006 season hits us in another two hours. This time we did all the preparations,we have stockpiled coke,chips and ice-cubes,played football in the evening and put up a board saying ‘death to hurricane’ . The last advisory says the storm is weakening on its course from Cuba, so unless I accomplish something very stupid like getting myself killed,will be updating this space pretty soon . Neways , love you all 🙂

A tree has died….

We had a tree infront of our house .It stood by the lake both day and night . I used to sit around in the balcony for hours without noticing the tree , I’m not sure if the tree noticed me anytime . It blocked my view of the park on the other side of the lake – other than that we didnt have any complaints about each other .

It rains heavily in florida , almost everyday . I have often wondered what ducks and frogs do when it rains , but I never thought about the tree . I’m not sure if the tree ever thought about what I’m doing in the rain.

When the big hurricane hit us last year , the tree lost most of its branches even before the eye of the storm arrived . We lost most of our house within an hour . I sure felt sorry for the tree but we had bigger issues like saving our lives to deal with.

Our house was back after a few weeks . I was back on the balcony and the white storks and ducks were back on the tree . Life was back on its boring track.

One day afternoon I was working from home,was on a boring call and was about to doze off when it started raining outside . I noticed the tree had blossomed. They say the saddest sight in the world is a train standing in the rain , I would say what I saw that afternoon was one of the prettiest.

I have a good camera , but I’m a bad photographer. The view from my balcony that day was heavenly but I never did justice to that with my snaps .

Last week they cut the tree . They cut all the trees in preparation for another atlantic hurricane season . Tonight only the stump remains ,they’ll remove the stump tommorrow . After that grass will grow over the spot where the tree stood .

I never treasured the tree , never noticed it unless I was dying of boredom but somehow I’m going to miss it . I’m not sure if it were the dewdrops that clung on to it every morning or the freshness around it or Everything Else about it . A tree has died and they’ll bury it and fresh grass will grow over where it stood . No big deal . But if it was around maybe our lives would have been a little better , a little less dark .

We meet new people everyday , new friendships bloom , we have our good and bad times and sometimes in between we lose some people .They just go ; and grass grow over where we once stood – together . Despite the separation we really dont lose each other , we carry them around in thoughts,dreams and rainy afternoons . Maybe its just the presence that is missing ,our roots are still entwined . Maybe the world has not grown enough for good people to miss each other for long. Water Bubble !

Our Lord of the Underworld

My Very Enormous Monster Just Sucked Up Nine Planets – was an easy,stupid line to remember those nine planets out there . But we never needed this line ,it came so easy to us mercury,venus ,us,mars…..pluto . So simple . It gave us a feeling that we knew something about that Cosmos out there , it was reassuring . Each of us would have experienced that unique , romantic feeling of gazing at a starry winter night sky and crying out loud “Mercury venus us mars jupiter saturn uranus neptune Pluto”. Oh that sexy feeling !!

And now they want Pluto to go . Pluto will no longer be a planet . Can you believe that !! . Our Pluto ,our greek lord of the underworld will now be called a ‘trans-Neptunian object’ . An object ?…is that how you treat a planet . Have these astronomer hippocrats given a slight consideration to what those cute aliens in Pluto will be feeling now . They think Pluto is Lebanon whom anyone can attack any given day . I challenge them to do the same with super powers like Saturn or Jupiter , that would be chivalry , that would be guts !! Not this.

Who gave these astronomers the right to decide this ? Are they saying my geography teacher was dumb . She was sexy – but that doesnt completely prove she was dumb . These astronomers balk in the Prague sun and suddenly decides to chuck out Pluto . Tommorrow they’ll meet in Geneva and decide Friday is not a day – as fries are not good for health or something like that . Would we accept that too ? lying down ,like this .

the vicious plan

Now they might say , Pluto is not as big as mercury , it is smaller than the new feminist cosmic-object Xena and its just an ice cold ‘brown-dwarf ‘ phenomenon . C’mon…. details man details !! lets not discuss that . Science cant be based on facts,that too boring ones . Problem is you guys look into telescopes and come up with something , when you should actually be looking into your hearts and deciding . Think about our alien brothers out there…oh yes ! they are our brothers, remember , it all started one cold night , some good music and a big bang.

In another decades time this could happen,

kid : ‘wtf are planets’
dad : ‘oh yeah ! there are nine planets…’
kid : ‘you are a moron’
dad : ‘mercury venus us mars ……Pluto’
kid : ‘mom,this dude is shouting at me’
mom : ‘moron , go walk the dog …leave kid alone’

We cannot afford to look ridiculous because we were educated.And thats exactly whats gonna happen.

And what about those rhyming lines ? – My Very Enormous Monster Just Sucked Up Nine – thats it ? sucked up nine WHAT ….lollipops ? I’m ok , but try convincing Godzilla . Losers.

Another planetary issue . (Non-mallus might take a detour here)

What is this issue with Chingam one and Vishu . Like , you know all mallus wish each other ‘Happy mallu new year ‘ in April during Vishu and again they wished each other ‘Happy mallu new year ‘ last week for Chingam one . I’m confused,literally . To complete an year in three months – where is Kerala located in – Mercury ?

This time I have replied to all those ‘Happy mallu new year ‘ mails and phone calls . Now again if you wish me ‘Happy mallu new year ‘ in April – I’m gonna strike down upon thee with venegance and then you’ll know…. my name is Lord !

One and the only

After these months of blogging,when I look back,its feels so awful that I have not lend any space here to the person I adore , admire, hear and read about the most . The one person who brings a smile to my face every single day knowingly and unknowingly . So now is the time for my man,My Hero.

“They misunderestimated me.”

Any day at work,if the morning stampede of emails is too much for me to take,I close my lotus notes and browse through the Leno,Stewart,Colbert and Letterman’s ‘late night jokes’ . They would have said something very funny about my guy and folks that would be the hundredth time I’m hearing it,but it makes my day. Some real gems (yeah you’ve read it before !),

“President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Bush is now in the second week of his five-week vacation down there in Crawford, Texas. He’s been taking a lot of criticism for this long vacation and his aides say he has his laptop with him so he can still play Solitaire and Minesweep – so it’s business as usual.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That’s not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn’t do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year.” —Jay Leno

“White House officials said today President Bush took three books with him to Texas. Three! That pretty much empties the Bush library.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that.” –Jay Leno

“No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let’s not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that’s all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators.” –Bill Maher

“President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It’s less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself.” –Conan O’Brien

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme — ‘Safer, Stronger, and Tested.’ Isn’t that a condom ad?” —Jay Leno

“Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they’ll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, ‘Hey, what does “formable” mean?'” -Jay Leno

President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It’s a stationary bike.” —Jay Leno

“The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was ‘collecting his thoughts.’ What a time to start a new hobby.'” -Bill Maher

And someone said ,one of the books my Hero has taken with him to Texas for vacation reading is Lincoln’s biography ,boy, dude will be really upset when he finally reads the chapter where Wilkes Booth assasinates Lincoln .It would be a terrible shock , feel sad for him.

In case nobody else has said anything about him,Dubya would say something himself ,like ‘They misunderestimated me.’ . Its like whenever I’ve done something really stupid and feel all alone , I go directly to CNN and checkout what Dubya has said lately . After that its that feeling of brotherhood man.

“I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India, and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world.”
-Dubya , Islamabad, Pakistan, March 3, 2006

“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.” -Dubya,Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.” —Dubya,Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

“I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.” —Dubya,presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

“It is white.” —Dubya,after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” — Dubya,Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Dubya,Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Well…… we too have a prime minister in India . When someone told me our next PM is a sardar I had great expectations . Guys, democracy is boring (bigtime !) unless you have guys like Dubya . Our Sardar ,leave alone cracking a joke ,actually read out from a notebook while proposing a toast to that chick – my Hero’s wife when she came calling . How can a person lead one billion people with no humour sense . Sardar’s so stoic , so red-taped – neways, he is no leader of the nation , just a chief executive.

As if we care 🙂

“no no Mr President its not Ali Baba ,no not Ali Baba …its AYATOLLAH….no he didnt kill fourty terrorists….yeah…oh…ok…its my pleasure…ok bye”

sorry guys that was my Hero on phone….so…ciao 🙂

Mother of all fears

I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear. Analyzing what my worst fear is,I could give sophisticated answers like Google taking over the world or a simpler one like a sub-system attack from Dondalavan arc-nebula in the Distilled Gogilba galaxy . But No,I want to be closer to the truth here and look at the most scary thing in the world right in the eye – provided it has one.

First time I noticed the existence of this entity called a Pressure Cooker was when Hawkins overplayed those curves on tv with ‘chandan sa badan’ playing in the background. It started irritating me after I was pounded by that high decibel hiss every morning while watching Popoye across tea.

‘Amma,can you turn off that thing’, says me

‘its turned off.will you turn off that cartoon ?’ says she

‘NO!…its not cartoon …its Popoye’ , says me

‘dont you have shame,still think you are a kid’ , says she

‘More teaa’

Well you dont stop being a kid just because you are in yenjinearing college,c’mon.While in transition , Watson, if you’d noticed,we missed the point.Why would a thing make such a loud noise even after the stove is turned off ? What would happen if the stove is not turned off ? Analyze that !

It took a few more years to come face to face with my nemesis .After more than two decades of mom cooks I eat and two years of mallu mess guy cooks I eat, yours truly arrived in the land of the free and home of the brave and you cook if you wanna eat . The food scene is pretty good here for non-veggies,they can eat out all day long and its kinda cheap too.But my roomies being miserably veg and that ancient craving for pappadam oer sambhared rice made us settle down to a once-a-day-hav-food-at-home plan and we decided to take turns in creating some edible object everyday.

In the initial days I used to call up people across timezones for help with cooking.I had visions of the whirling thread of karma everytime the cooking turn rotated and came to me.

me to west-coast friend:
‘this thing….uhhh…whatsit…onion has become that golden colour you told…what do I do now….okei…its becoming brown man…what do i do?’

overheard – one empress of pulissery :
‘avanano vilikanathu…pavam cooking turn aayirikkum ‘ (if the dead body is keechaka,file an FIR against Bheema)

After a few weeks luckily I fell in love with cooking as an art form.As an art form.strictly.

And then it happened.I had these vegetables and dal and tomatoes inside the cooker on the stove.I was in the balcony on phone ending an argument with a friend of mine.

‘illadey nee varandedey,(no you dont come)
vendedey vendedey’ (dont come,dont come)

It rhymed and I decided to be a poet and in the kitchen the pressure cooker exploded. It didnt actually explode,that was for special effects . But it made one very evil sound and some foreign liquid and steam started coming out from the sides . Being a mechanical engineer I had sense enough to turn off the stove first . Then I removed that weight on top to let out some steam.
But still the cooker was leaking from the sides and I decided to open it a bit to let out some more steam.I strained all my tricep muscles to force it open and then, it was tragedy.

The substance inside the cooker went up about a feet high and splashed over the stove . I ran like hell . But even then some of the hot particles fell on me . My friends explained the incident in different ways,but I didnt want sympathy,I wanted justice,I wanted revenge.

We never had a normal relationship after that.I cut my fingers once when I was cutting carrots and the cooker hissed right behind me Another time I was taken so much by surprise when the monster hissed that I chanted the four letter word for about five minutes till my hands stopped shaking.

You see the diagram above,did any of us know it was so complex.I didnt know till now . And why would there be so much of safety precautions if it was not dangerous . Even dinosaurs in jurassic park didnt have so many safety locks .Its outright dangerous folks.

Call me paranoid or a coward,but the truth remains that Pressure cooker is the single greatest threat to our way of life.Forget way of life , life . Look at it while it boils like I do (from behind the balcony door),its that evil pressure building up and heat and some strange ‘bhooo’ noise from some deep buried organism . Then the hiss,can any other household object make such a sound,what is it,its just steel right,where does this sound come from . Its evil man,evil.

Now I remember it had a cruel soul back in India too.Across households this thing used to blow up and kill cute girls when it realised the whole dowry has not come in.How could it possibly know that.Its scary man,it is.

And you know what,scrub the chromium plating on top of the lid a little and you’ll see the number ‘666’ inscribed there.Now you know. I think it is the anti-christ and its spread into every home.

Some people may actually come back and say that the number is not there on the lid .C’mon folks we cant waste our time on petty evidence. This pressure cooker guy is evil and we need to escape – the question is to be or not to be.